How to get rid of dependencies and understand your true needs

In 15 minutes of reading this text, you will learn how dependencies are structured and what steps need to be taken to give them up. I will describe the general framework through which dependence on video games, social networks, media content, shopping addiction, workaholism, and other addictions function.

My name is Sergey Shevchenko. I am a clinical psychologist. For over 10 years of my work, I have helped dozens of people who came to me for help with various forms of addictive behavior move towards a fulfilling and meaningful life without addictions.

Signs of addiction

To conclude that behavior is addictive, a person needs to face one (or more) of the following difficulties:

1. Problems at the beginning of use (for example, a person starts playing games even when they planned to do something else. They planned their evening differently but cannot resist the urge to play).

2. Problems during use (a person cannot control the amount. For example, they play games, watch videos, or drink until the middle of the night, knowing they will feel bad in the morning).

3. Problems at the end of use (a person cannot stop. They stop drinking only when they lose consciousness. They stop watching when they fall asleep. They stop playing when their head and shoulders are already painfully aching. In other words, this person does not have a sensation of "enough").

Just now you might have identified if you have addictive behavior. To figure out how to stop it, you first need to understand its structure.

The logic of addiction works like this:

1️⃣ Step: A person must have some unmet need that affects their condition. For example, they may lack close communication, which causes loneliness. Or they may simply lack rest, feeling tired.

2️⃣ Step: For some reason, the person does not satisfy this need. They do not build close relationships or do not rest. The reasons for this can range from an inability to build relationships to the physical absence of people nearby, and from a prohibition on rest to the physical inability to switch to rest mode due to being overly tired.

3️⃣ Step: Instead of satisfying the need, the person decides to simply change their condition. They decide to improve their mood with games, funny videos, alcohol, or other addiction objects instead of communicating with a loved one or going to sleep.

If a person repeatedly goes through these three steps, this behavior becomes automatic. They do not even feel loneliness, fatigue, or other unpleasant states anymore. They just feel like playing, turning on Youtube, or drinking.

To stop, you need to:

1. Identify what state a person is dealing with through addiction

2. Understand why they choose addictive behavior over taking care of their needs

3. Form new behavior where a person improves themselves by taking care of their needs instead of games, Youtube, impulsive shopping, etc.

Next, I will explain the mistakes people make when trying to deal with their addictions and outline each of the three stages of overcoming them.

❌Mistakes

1. Attempts to stop addictive behavior without understanding why it was needed. This leads to a deterioration of emotional state and relapses. For example, a person stops playing on the computer to relieve tension after work. If they do nothing to handle this tension in another way, it will accumulate, and they will either start playing again or choose another addiction. For example, they may buy all sorts of useless things that seem very cool on the Internet.

2. Attempts to stop addiction through blame or shame. This only worsens the condition. For example, the person binge-watches series. To the point where they feel bad. They went to bed late and the next day feel terrible. They are very dissatisfied with themselves and begin to scold themselves. Calling themselves weak-willed and worthless, hoping deep down that these insults will push them not to do it anymore. But the shame, self-disgust, and guilt caused by those words prompt them to turn on the series again just to distract from them. And the cycle repeats.

3. Attempts to replace one addictive behavior with another. For example, to avoid wanting to smoke, a person starts eating more, thus changing nicotine addiction for food addiction. Meanwhile, their needs remain unmet. The only thing that changes is their weight.

Now that you know exactly what not to do, let's proceed to what needs to be done.

What are you coping with through use?

The answer to this question is the first step in dealing with addictive behavior. It provides an understanding of which state is artificially silenced with alcohol, games, shopping, food, and other addiction objects. To answer it, you need to pay attention to your condition when you feel like using. You need to focus on what emotions and bodily sensations form this desire. It can be anything. Sadness, fear, anger, shame, guilt, disgust, fear, or even mere fatigue. People who have difficulty accessing their feelings may face serious difficulties at this stage. They will have to deal with the reasons for their emotional avoidance. This is not a simple task and is best done with your therapist. (I recorded a video explaining how to understand what you feel. It's here - link).

Why addiction, not self-care?

This question is the second step in working with addiction. Here, the difficulties a person faces in meeting their needs are identified. Suppose an IT worker wants recognition from colleagues to solidify their value as a specialist in their own eyes. And colleagues praise them, express respect. But they consider their words a polite lie and do not believe them. Then their need remains unmet. They fall into self-doubt, and to silence it, they drink. What prevents them from believing colleagues' words and thus satisfying their need? Why do they instead choose alcohol? In the second step of dealing with addiction, people search for the answer to this question. In the case of this IT specialist, they were just afraid that accepting praise would make them softer and more vulnerable to social attacks. When they saw the high price they were paying for this insurance, it helped them start believing in colleagues' recognition, strengthen their self-confidence, and thus eliminate the need to use.

How to form new behavior free from addictions?

After completing the first two steps, the addicted person already knows well what they are avoiding through use and why they do so. It only remains to form behavior in which the distressing state will not simply be avoided but actions directed at taking care of unmet needs will be carried out to naturally improve the condition. The person who realized they are lonely learns to build relationships, the one who realized they are humiliated learns to stand up for themselves and their interests. This behavior gradually becomes automatic and replaces the addiction.

Thank you for your interest.

Sergey Shevchenko, Clinical Psychologist, Psychotherapist of the Moscow Gestalt Institute, Member of the European Association for Gestalt Therapy (EAGT)